


Smash Shenanigans

by TwentyPoundsOfPlotConvenience



Category: Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Exactly What It Says on the Tin, Friendship, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-24
Updated: 2015-09-05
Packaged: 2018-03-19 08:59:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 13,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3604212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwentyPoundsOfPlotConvenience/pseuds/TwentyPoundsOfPlotConvenience
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Exactly what it says on the tin: The fighters of Super Smash Bros. get into some wacky (Probably. Maybe. I think so.) shenanigans. WARNING: Contains a huge lack of PLOT.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Palutena Be Trollin'

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sort of testing-the-waters fic. Well, really it's my first fic. But tomato, tomato, same difference.  
> I'm trying to figure out how these tags work, so more are very likely to pop up.  
> Oh, and the subject does say "humor," but it's probably not even that funny. Anyway, enjoy! Or at least pretend you do. Nyahaha.

"Lady Palutena! There you are!"

"Did you need something, Pit?"

"I've been looking for you! I needed to ask you, since there're new fighters and all, and you've got the room paper now-"

"Oh, I was just about to put it up on the board. You're sharing a room with Pittoo now. Third floor, first room from the left stairs."

"Thanks, Lady Palutena!" Pit said. He started to walk off with his luggage, then turned around. "Wait. Did you say Pittoo was my roommate?"

"I'm not sure why, but he insisted on having a room with you. He wouldn't stop nagging Master Hand until he put you two together." Palutena tried not to start snickering.

"What?"

"I think he likes you."

Pit's face instantly lit up (as if his face wasn't bright already). "Oh, I, um. . . I never thought of that before. I'll go talk to him then."

"You go do that."

"Bye, Lady Palutena!" Pit smiled a little more as he part skipped, part flapped about down the hallway. Palutena watched him fling the stairwell doors open and sing to himself.

"Oh, Pit," Palutena finally said, and broke down into little giggles.

* * *

"I can't believe it! Dark Pit actually likes me to some extent!" Pit sang to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star (he took extreme liberty with the syllables). "Today suddenly got a lot better! I bet we'll have a bunch of great times together--"

WHAP!

Pit felt his wing slam into something, followed by a muffled yelp. He stopped singing and turned to see Link behind him, his mouth full of feathers. He didn't look too happy about it.

"Sorry, Link! I'll try to pay attention next time."

Link spat out the feathers and nodded. Pit hummed out the rest of the tune softly, making sure not to hit Link in the face again. He reached the third floor and opened the room door. It was almost like a hotel; there were two beds, and a window next to the far one. He threw down his weapons on the far bed and checked the contents of his luggage. Pajamas? Check. Extra tunic? Check. Extra extra tunic? Check. More-extra-than-extra-but-less-extra-than-double-extra-tunic? Check. Oh, and about 100 hearts, too. And a suitcase full of Amiibo, just in case.

After mindlessly observing the room like an NPC for a minute, he left the room to go find Dark Pit. Much excite! He could be a cool mentor to Pittoo, and they and Palutena could sit at the same table during meals, and he could introduce them to all the cool friends he made during Brawl! The new Super Smash Bros. was going to be great.

* * *

Dark Pit was walking down the main hallway, looking for the room list. He found it across from the cafeteria doors, pinned rather haphazardly onto the bulletin. Third floor, first room from the left stairs.

Without even looking to see who his roommate was, he headed straight for the stairway, dragging his very, very dark grey luggage behind him. But when he reached the third floor and opened the first door--

"EEK!"

\--he was greeted by the sight of a blonde woman in lingerie and the painful sensation of a turnip to the face. Then the door slammed in his face. He looked at the sign hung on the doorknob. "Peach," it read in fancy cursive. He walked across to the other side of the hallway, hoping to never, ever feel a wrinkly-faced turnip to the face again. He came across another set of stairs.

He had taken the wrong set of stairs.

This blunder deserved at least 5 minutes of edgy angst. He sat down in front of the stairwell doors--blocking people who wanted to get to their rooms--and surrounded himself with an aura of blackness that made most everyone (especially Lucario) back off and go to the other stairwell.

* * *

Meanwhile, Pit still couldn't find his ~~clone~~ ahem, dark counterpart for the sake of plot convenience. So he struck up a conversation with Link about Cuccos.

Link ended up avoiding Pit for the rest of that week.

* * *

Meanwhile, Dark Pit finally got up and the weird aura dissipated, allowing Lucina to find her room. He went to open the door to his own. This time, it was the correct one. There were no signs that anyone had been inside, save for a bunch of white tunics on the far bed and a suitcase full of Amiibo.

He set down his stuff on the bed closer to the door and checked his luggage. Extra tunic? Check. Extra extra tunic? Check. Extra -1 tunic? Check. Also, a box full of Snickers and Capri-Sun. And a children's book for learning the alphabet. Maybe he could get someone to teach him how to read.

Wait a second.

All those white tunics and Amiibos could only belong to one Pitstain.

"Nope," said Dark Pit.

And speak of the devil! (Or should I say "think of the angel?") The door flew open and in flapped Pit!

" _Nope_ ," said Dark Pit as Pit swept him up in a hug that was seriously probably going to crush his wings-and more importantly, was intruding on his personal space!

"NOPE," said Dark Pit as Pit dragged him downstairs for dinner and started to ramble on about pretty much everything and then took him back up to their room and showed him his super-cool Amiibo of himself. "I never asked for this. Why would you do this to me."

The new Super Smash Bros. was going to be great.


	2. Feet Are Important

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Fire Emblem: Awakening characters gain some much-needed extremities.

"'Oh, how I've missed you, my precious sweetums shortcake!' She leaped into her beloved's arms with great grace and graced his lips with a gentle, yet passionate kiss. United at last. . ."

Robin flipped to the next page of his book and read some more out loud. This train machine that was supposed to take him to this "Smash Mansion" was taking quite a while to reach the station. Not that he minded, though; an opportunity to read in a quiet, empty spot was incredibly rare these days.

Unfortunately, quiet empty stations never stay quiet or empty for long. A familiar young woman's voice called to him from the other side of the station.

". . . is that really you?!"

He could be asking Lucina the same question. Robin shoved his book back into his bag, pulled out the much easier to explain _Tactics for Idiots,_ and stood up to meet the blue-haired woman sprinting toward him with alarming speed.

"Lucina, I thought you weren't coming!" he shouted. He started toward her, ready to embrace, but she stopped in her tracks. She scanned Robin from head to toe. She looked him straight in the eye and a confused expression came over her face.

"Is something wrong?" Robin asked.

". . . Mother, is that you? What happened to you?"

There must have been some sort of misunderstanding here.

"I'm not your mother?" Well, Robin really hoped not. His body most definitely would not be giving birth to anyone anytime soon. "I thought Sumia was your mother."

Lucina began to pace. "But you look so much like her. You're wearing the same clothing, and your hair is the same color. Is that _Tactics for Morons?_ " Lucina pointed at Robin's book.

"For idiots."

"Your name is Robin?"

"Yes." So some girl version of him who had kids with Chrom was running around and doing things under his name? He found it unsettling, to say the very least.

"So everything is almost the same. But you somehow turned into a man, and went to the station. I thought you hadn't received an invitation!"

"I could say the same thing for you. . ."

"How could this be? What is Morgan going to think when he finds out Mother is gone? Oh, no. . . He'll worry himself to death over it."

"Who's Morgan?"

Beat.

Lucina grabbed Robin by the neck of his coat and shook him silly. (Cue maraca sound effects.) "Unbelievable! How could you forget your own son?!"

"I'm-pretty sure I'm not your mother-Lucina-uh-uh! I'm a guy and-I'm not even married-please stop-shaking me-ee-ee!"

"Lucina? What are you doing here?" a new voice said.

Lucina promptly dropped Robin face-first on the ground and tackled the newcomer into a hug. "Mother, I thought you weren't coming to the tournament!"

". . . I didn't, either. B-but I guess my invitation came in just a tad bit late. I was packing stuff like a madwoman, trying to get here on time! But it seems that the train hasn't arrived yet."

Once everything stopped spinning, Robin turned his head toward the woman claiming to be Lucina's mother and saw a female version of himself hugging Lucina. Nope. Nope nope nope. The weirdness levels were rising exponentially now. Now would probably be a good time to just stop listening to what was going on. Robin turned his head back to his original position and closed his eyes.

"Well, it is a surprise, but a welcome one. I wasn't expecting you to come! But now that you're here, just think of all the things we could do!"

". . . Yeah."

Maybe Robin could get up now-

"Oh, wait! Male Mother, are you okay?!" he heard Lucina shout. Noooo. . . He was still too dizzy to resist any of Lucina's antics. There was the sound of footsteps growing closer to him, and then suddenly he was up off the ground again.

"Male Mother, please answer me!" Lucina said, and started to shake him again. "I didn't mean to hurt you! PLEASE BE OKAY!"

"I'm fine. . . p-please let go of me. . ."

"Oh!" Lucina stopped shaking him and this time remembered to stand him up properly.

Robin squeezed his eyes shut to try and stop the spinning. It didn't work. "Gods, I think I'm going to be sick. . ."

"What in Naga's name is going on here?" yet another new person asked. Robin opened his eyes and saw that Chrom was looking at the three with a confused expression on his face.

Robin is confused! He hurt himself in his confusion!

Robin fainted!

The train finally pulled into the station.

* * *

Robin, girl Robin (or, as he called her in his head, "weird lady"), Chrom, and Lucina were all standing in the grand lobby of the appropriately grandiose Smash Mansion. A large white glove began to float towards them.

"That is a very large floating hand," Lucina said in awe.

"I think it's coming towards us," Chrom said.

"You three!" the hand boomed. Its voice echoed throughout the lobby.

The four newcomers shuffled back as fast as their feet could carry them.

"I am starting to freak out now," both Robins said at the same time. They looked at each other for a moment and had a meaningful mental conversation about the meaning of life, consisting entirely of glances that clearly meant "NOPE."

"Yes, you four. Follow me," the hand said.

They hesitantly did as it said. The hand floated down the hallway, sighing when there was an explosion in the cafeteria. "Wait here," it muttered. It flung the cafeteria doors open and crawled in on all five fingers, there were some crashing noises, some shouting about not giving newcomers the wrong impression, and the hand floated back out, dusting itself off using its thumb finger. "Ugh. I hate having to clean up messes. It cuts into my paperwork time." It floated on down the hallway, into an office. The four newcomers followed.

The hand settled itself behind a fancy desk and began flipping through stacks of paper. "I know you are all very confused right now," it said, "and I'm sorry to say this, but you will probably only become even more confused while adjusting to life here. My name is Master Hand, and I am the head-er, hand-of Super Smash Bros., and therefore, also head of this mansion. I called you here to present you with a rather pleasant surprise."

Master Hand stopped flipping through the paper for a moment and snapped his fingers. "I believe that feet are a necessity for human characters fighting in Super Smash Bros. Also, it wouldn't be fair to give Marth and Ike feet, but not you."

"Did you mention the Hero-King?!" Lucina exclaimed. The other three looked down at their- _strange extremities now attached to the bottoms of their legs!_

"What is this madness?!" shouted both Robins at the same time. They looked at each other again, then back down at the new extremities, then back at each other again, then back down at their extremities.

"So. . . these are called 'feet'?" Chrom asked Master Hand.

"Yes, feet," he replied, picking up some sheets of paper that looked somewhat important. "Oh, here are your rooms," he added. He handed them each a piece of paper.

"Amazing! I feel as if my balance while standing still has improved." Chrom took a small step and tripped over his feet, landing on his face. "And now I feel terrible." He got up, brushed himself off, and stumbled out of the office.

"The feet are real, bruh!" Lucina yelled in a completely out-of-character moment. "And now, off to find the Hero-King!" She sprinted out of the room to find the fabled pretty-boy of legend.

"I'm not actually Lucina's mother," the female Robin said all of a sudden.

"What?" Robin said.

"I just didn't think it would be right. To disappoint her like that, I mean. She seemed so happy, I didn't want to let her down. . . What have I gotten myself into?"

"Alright, you two, you should go to your rooms before a plot actually happens," Master Hand said.

"Yes, sir," the Robins said at the same time. They decided to stop trying to look at each other, and instead walked out of the office to their rooms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Female Robin's name is Reflet, but neither Robin nor Lucina know that. I might end up doing a chapter where Reflet tries to pass as Lucina's mother. What do you think?


	3. Games, Tomes, & Drinks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three short stories. These were the first "Smash Shenanigans" stories I wrote.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few months ago, I wrote these three "stories" on my phone when I was bored, and that made me decide to write some more about Smashers being stupid. So basically this is the thing that started it all. Yup.

Mario heard a sobbing noise at the end of the hallway. Feeling curious, he decided to check and see what it was.

Link was crying in the hallway with his face on his knees and his arms around his legs.

"Are you okay?" Mario asked.

"Zelda. . ."

He began to wonder. What did this have to do with Zelda? She and Link were really close, or at least that was what Mario had always thought.

"Is something wrong with Zelda?"

"Zelda. . . she wanted to marry Kirby instead of me. . ."

What?

Just then, Mario noticed a black 3DS in sleep mode, lying a short distance away from Link. He picked it up and opened it.

Link had been playing Tomodachi Life.

Mario slowly backed away until Link's crying was out of earshot.

* * *

Robin charges Thoron, and surprisingly, Pit doesn't even try to fire an arrow at him. It might have something to do with the fact that he's currently moping over his flight problem, but let's just disregard that.

"Thoron!"

As Robin fires his magical Kamehameha of death, his Bronze Sword spins above his head. The pages in his book flip back and forth wildly. Why? Maybe it's Maybelline. Maybe he's just so cool that physics doesn't apply to him.

Anyway, Pit is launched back from the force of the attack. Robin charges toward him, Bronze Sword at the ready, and-

"Where's my Bronze Sword?"

Robin turns on his heel to see what happened to it. The sword is whirling away, toward the blast line. It is free. There will be no more pain, or suffering, or endless spinning.

Robin turns back around just in time to get KO'd by Pit's Upperdash Arm.

* * *

Pit is happily eating floor ice cream ~lyke a bawss~ when he notices a strange can on the ground. He picks it up, examines it for precisely .4379 seconds, and decides to consume the contents.

Dark Pit is walking around for no other reason than ~Plot Convenience~ when he notices something a little weird about Pitstain today. N-not like he was actively trying to notice anything about that b-b-baka, mind you.

"What's with you today?" he asks with his arms crossed casually and edgily.

"Red Bull gives me. . . more wings!" Pit exclaims. He gets into a typical shounen anime power-up pose, strains like he's constipated, and sprouts a new pair of wings. Don't ask how the extra ones managed to fit on his tiny back. He eagerly flaps his four wings and lifts off the ground for a split second. . .

. . . then he realizes all his wings are just bumping into one another and being counter-productive. He crashes to the ground face-first, wings still flapping and thrashing around like idiots.

"Man, I still can't fly without Lady Palutena's help, can I?"

"Nope," Dark Pit manages to reply from between snickers. Snickers candy bars, I mean. Yes, Pittoo was standing in between two giant candy bars the whole time. It's an edgy thing. You wouldn't get it.


	4. Smash Potato

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Villager is creepy. Kirby is innocent.  
> The two should never have been combined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have not been updating my fic here, even though I've already gotten 10 chapters out over on Fanfiction dot net. Whoops.  
> Anyway, this chapter is based on a fun little game called "Smash Potato." You should totally look it up on YouTube sometime. It's great. Imagine the possibilities. Smash Potato probably has the potential to wreck friendships.

When the Villager arrived on the Smash Bros. scene, some fighters thought there was something a little off about him. Something about his blank stare, and soul-piercing eyes, and his smile that seemed almost fake came off as just a tad bit creepy. They were absolutely right.

Of course, since nothing funny would come of this fic if everyone knew that to be true, Master Hand got mad at them and told them not to disrespect the newcomers. Then he announced a party for all fighters to welcome the newcomers with the proper Smash Bros. hospitality, and that he expected some real Smash Bros. hospitality this time. Some people grumbled about what the outcome of any so-called "Smash. Bros hospitality" was going to be, but they all prepared anyway.

Nothing went too wrong at the welcome party, although Kirby managed to get his hands (pink stubs?) on some Superspicy Curry and replaced the regular curry with it. Zelda tries to talk to the Villager, only to be met with soul-piercing stares as responses. The Villager opened his mouth a few times, but either nothing came out or what he was saying was extremely quiet. She eventually gave up. As she walked away, the Villager still had the creepy smile on his face.

Then Little Mac tried some of the curry and ended up burning up a lot of food, some of the decorations, and a few people's clothing. Zero Suit Samus was especially not pleased with her specifically revealing clothing damage. Like I said, nothing went too wrong.

A week after that, when Little Mac was finally able to sit down without extreme butt pain, Villager asked Kirby to play a game with him. Kirby agreed, and they went out to the battlefield so Master Hand wouldn't start temporarily banning fighters from the mansion again.

"It's called Smash Potato," the Villager said quietly.

No one else was around, so Kirby could actually hear and understand him. He looked at the Villager, confused.

"You have to copy my ability first."

Kirby did as he was told. He sucked the boy up and spat him back out, resulting in Kirby sporting a totally rad Villager wig.

The Villager grew a tree. "Okay," he said, "when I cut the tree down, you have to pocket it." He produced an axe with a few specks of red on it. But it's probably just apple skin. Nothing too bad, right? He swung the axe twice and the tree fell. Kirby stuck out an arm and sucked the falling tree into a vortex that, for once, wasn't his stomach. The tree shrunk and disappeared.

"Okay, now take it back out," the Villager said.

Kirby stuck his arm out again and the tree reappeared, falling toward the Villager. The Villager pocketed the tree again.

"And that is how you play Smash Potato! Now, try not to die." The Villager's eyes sparkled, and not in a good way. He made the tree reappear and Kirby pocketed it. Kirby pulled out the tree and the Villager pocketed it. The frantic exchanged continued. Then the Villager decided to pocket the tree and grow another one.

He stood there for a moment, contemplating the meaning of life. So did Kirby.

They kept standing there doing nothing.

Then the Villager pulled the pocketed tree on Kirby before he could react. Kirby flew back with tree-mendous force and was instantly KO'd. He was not seen around for the rest of the day.

For the next few days, the Villager kept inviting Smashers one at a time to play games with him, but they never came back for the rest of the day-and when they did come back, they ran away from the Villager and trembled in fear at the mention of his name. Master Hand never could figure out why everyone seemed to be so afraid of the little guy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record, I think the Villager is drop-dead adorable- but definitely not going to kill you with his axe (they're specks of apple skin!).
> 
> Villager: ' v '
> 
> Correction- probably not going to kill you. Yet. Still cute, though.


	5. The Infant Origin Story, Smash-Style!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hooray for cliched situations!  
> Really, though. You don't have to figure every little detail of the situation out for yourself. And who said cliches can't be well-written? Probably someone did, but whatever. Besides, when you're done with it, then you can take that cliche by the horns and throw it on the ground and stomp on it and be an independent black woman who don't need no man.  
> I totally forgot what I was getting at here.

There comes a time in every child's life when their parental figures must give them the dreaded "talk." Some children react to it fairly well, despite their newfound loss of innocence. Others take their first big step into adulthood early and figure out the secret information for themselves (read: they come across all the rule 34 on the internet). And a large portion of kids, for some strange reason, never were given this "talk," never try and find out what it's supposed to be, and then have to learn it at a later age from a different figure they respect and trust.

Toon Link happened to fall into the third category of children, having never questioned it and having a grandmother who never mentioned it. Cue the cliched question, with a young man who happened to answer it with somewhat humorous results.

Toon Link and Link were sitting around in some unspecified area of the Smash Mansion because I'm too lazy to describe it, talking in their native Hylian dialect: unintelligible shouts.

"eeyYAH HYAAH?!" (LINK, WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM?) shouted Toon Link.

"Ah. . ." Link looked around nervously, just as most people who are asked this question do. "Eh. TOYaaAA hup TSEYAH!" (Actually, no one ever told me. LET'S GO ask SOMEONE ELSE!) Then they linked arms and skipped off.

They journeyed far and wide, searching for the key to this intriguing enigma. After about two minutes of aimlessly wandering the hallway, they came across another young boy with blonde hair.

"Hey, Link. Hey, Toon," Lucas said.

"Hey, Lucas," Toon said. "Do you know where babies come from?"

"Pit told me that they come from rainbows."

"Okay! Thanks, Lucas!" Link and his cartoony counterpart waved and headed outside.

"W-wait a second! Let me go with you guys!"

Link and Toon Link paused.

"I want to see if what Pit said is true. So, please let me go with you!"

Link shrugged. "Sure, why not?" he said.

Then the three blonde boys linked arms and skipped around, trying to find their way out of the hallway. After about two more minutes of journeying far and wide, they found themselves outside the mansion.

Outside, the Villager was doing his up taunt inside a pentagram in the mud. Dark storm clouds began to gather in the sky. The trio glanced at him and realized that the veterans really had a right to be suspicious about him. This boy was terrifying!

Hesitantly, Lucas asked him, "W-what are you doing?"

The clouds swirled and rumbled furiously in the sky. The Villager slowly turned to face them until the trio could see his blank stare and plastered-on smile.

"Summoning moveset clones, of course!"

"How?"

"Well, Reflet lent me one of her purple books and it's got some pretty great stuff in there!"

Toon Link already had the book in his hand, and was flipping through it with a horrified face. Link and Lucas looked to him for answers.

"You don't want to know. . ." he murmured. It was too late to save him. His innocence was gone forever, even before he could get the "talk."

Then it started to rain, even though nothing sad was happening.

"Hey, it's actually working! Awesome!" the Villager said. He began chanting misheard lyrics from the Super Smash Bros. Brawl theme backwards. The rainfall got heavier, and with a bright flash of lightning, Dark Pit appeared!

"What do you want," he said, poking a hole in his Capri-Sun with his straw. Wait a second! This drink was Tropical Hypothermia-flavored, not Wild Booty-flavored! He thought he'd grabbed the right one! "Gershwin it!" he shouted. He ran back inside the mansion to get the right flavor. The Villager stared after him, then returned his gaze to the three blonde boys.

"Maybe we should go before the villager does anything to us. . ." Link said.

They slowly backed away from the creepy kid with his purple book, and then as soon as they were out of earshot they ran away and started screaming like little moe girls.

* * *

Later, when they were sure that the sky was clear and the Villager was long gone, they returned to check the rainbow for babies. At the end they found a pot of gold, a hand-sized Master Hand statue, and a blue Yoshi wearing a St. Patrick's day hat and wishing everyone a merry Christmas. But no babies.

They were disappointed for a while, but they linked arms again and skipped back inside to bother more people.

* * *

. . . And finally, after many more mishaps, having most of the kids fighters join them, including Kirby, who was pretty much a baby himself; Pit, who was convinced (read: brainwashed by Palutena into believing) that babies came out of rainbows; Dark Pit, who only came along because Pit said he'd buy him more Wild Booty; Yoshi, who wanted to know where _human_ babies came from; and Bowser Jr., who was tagging along with no extra information explaining why; and then after having to endure the endless bickering between everyone in the party, Lucas, Link and Toon finally figured out they needed to ask someone who actually knew where babies came from.

So at last they came knocking on Zelda's door. At 3 in the morning, because everyone in the group refused to sleep until they had an answer. The Hylian princess was understandably annoyed and opened the door, hoping she could solve the problem before Samus, her roommate, assaulted them all.

"Zelda, where do. . . babies. . . come from. . ." Link mumbled.

"Umm. Well, there are these storks, you see, and they-"

"When a guy and a girl have sex, the girl pops out a baby nine months later," Samus shouted from within the room. "Happy now?"

But all the kids had already collapsed on the floor in a snoring heap (except the Villager, who stood there staring blankly into Zelda's soul). Link flashed a sheepish smile at Zelda.

"What's sex?"

"I-I-" Zelda stammered. "Go to bed, Link!" She slammed the door shut before her face could go completely red. She heard the grunts of a tired Link trying to get all the kids back to their rooms and sighed. "They're going to do the same thing tomorrow, aren't they. . ."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, Pittoo somehow knows about George Gershwin. Actually, I'm just trying to avoid using profanity, but trying to come up with ridiculous euphemisms is just so much more fun than using preset curse words! Also, I'd never let myself live it down if I used anything worse than "crap." c':


	6. Library

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Incompetent bookworm Robin strikes again! This time, he discovers a book he never should have.

Spending time in the library was not a hobby Robin was unfamiliar with, not at all. In fact, the only reason he was able to pass himself off as a tactician in his alternate universe was that, along with (strangely) romance books, there happened to be tons of books on war tactics lying around in strange places. He'd be on the battlefield and pick up _Tactics for Tacticians_ and a stick (bathe it in the blood of thine enemies), then come back to the barracks and find titles such as _Make Him Fall For You in a Fortnight_ and _Tactics Are for Morons. Swing Your Axe Like a Master!_

So naturally, when he discovered there was a library in Smash Mansion, he immediately felt a mighty need to spend most of his day in it. There were plenty of books to be read and plenty of research to be done on the other Smashers' fighting styles. The whole library seemed almost as vast as Gaur Plain, epic music included, and he was determined to explore it all, even if he did read kinda slowly.

Insert gym training montage music.

On the first day in the library, he sat at one of the tables to read a "contemporary book" and saw his female counterpart checking out a book on "computers," the strange rectangular devices he saw around the mansion. One of the rooms was filled with computers, and it always seemed to be crowded. He could never figure out why anyone would want to spend their time staring at what was essentially a lit-up box. Some of the technology in this Smash world was very strange.

On the next day in the library, while reading a book about Mario and Bowser, he met the Villager carrying an armful of occult books. He had to read through his OTP book multiple times just so he could forget the Villager's soul-piercing stare. The thought of facing that kid in battle made him shiver. After that, he made himself a mental note to not visit the Library on Tuesdays.

On the third day, he was browsing the romance section in the library when he caught a glimpse of Dark Pit struggling to sound out words from a children's book, with some help from Lucina (thank the gods she stopped calling him Male Mother). The sight almost made him forget about the terror known as the Villager for a bit. As he walked among the towering shelves of books upon books, he saw a title that happened to catch his eye: _Fifty Shades of Grey._ He pulled it off from its shelf and flipped it open without bothering to read the summary.

Bad decision. Before he could even read the second page, Robin's hands began to tremble so violently that he dropped the book and a THUD echoed through the entire library. Dark Pit went silent.

Insert dramatic piano solo here.

 _Who even allowed this book to be published?!_ Robin thought. _This… this prose! Something about it makes me want to throw it across the room!_

Unfortunately, he had pretty much sworn to read every book in the library, and this book was no exception. Yet another bad decision, in hindsight. With hands still shaking, he picked the book up again. He managed to carry the book over to the tables where Dark Pit and Lucina were staring at him.

He had to finish this, even if it killed him. With all the mental strength he could muster, he flipped the book open to the second page…

Crazy Hand cackled off in the distance. Someone had finally fallen for it.

* * *

"So," said Pit to a small group of Smashers, "does anyone want to come with me to see that new movie today?"

The fighters began to murmur amongst themselves. Some of the veterans started grumbling about them probably going to get kicked out of the theater, _again._ It had something to do with floor ice cream and unintelligible shouting in a certain native Hylian dialect.

Pit added, "I don't know what it's about, but it's called _Fifty Shades of Grey-_ "

"NOPE," Robin said, and stormed out of the room.

Pit watched him go, then turned to his goddess. "Oh, by the way, Lady Palutena. What's 'twerking'?"

But that's a story for another time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fifty Shades of Grey? More like Fifty Shades of Great, am I right? ...No? Well okay, then.


	7. Fifty Shades of Fanfiction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robin discovers something worse than Fifty Shades of Grey: fanfiction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't updated this fic here in forever geez.
> 
> Warning for minor Fire Emblem: Awakening spoilers.

 

"Well, that certainly was... an experience..."

Robin slid the atrocity against humanity, more commonly known as  _Fifty Shades of Grey,_ back onto its rightful place on the library shelf and sighed with relief. That was definitely an experience, all right. One he could only wish to forget. He shook his head and shuddered one last time before looking for something to take his mind off  _that_.

He found himself wandering the sections about franchises. What to check out next? Mario? Maybe not; he'd already read the Mario and Bowser book. The Legend of Zelda? He pulled out a dark green and gold book called  _Hyrule Historia-_ holy crap was it heavy. He opened it and saw huge pages full of tiny print. He would seriously need reading glasses just to barely make out what everything said. He put the book back. Kid Icarus? Well...

"Oh hey, Rob!" called a certain bubbly angel. "Well, maybe just Robin, since we already have a R.O.B. and things don't need to get any more confusing..."

Speaking of Kid Icarus, Pit found him. Robin knew he was just trying to be friendly to the newcomers- Pit wasn't the type to even go near the library, considering he couldn't read- and it was nice to know that he was welcome here, but didn't Pit at least know people were supposed to be quiet in the library?

Dark Pit glared at them from a private table in the corner, but Pit just kept rambling on about what a coincidence it was that they met (well, maybe it was strange that they met in the Kid Icarus section, but everything else about it? Definitely not). Robin zoned out and watched Pit's wings move along with his hand gestures. Huh. Maybe it wasn't an observation he could use in battle, but there was no way he could always be three steps ahead unless he got a little better with seeing things, anyway.

And speaking of observations, maybe he needed to fix the frayed ends of his coat before he tripped over it.

"I was wondering, Robin. Why do you spend so much time in the library?" Pit asked. Robin snapped back to attention.

"I guess I like to read?"

"I know just the place for you, then!"

Robin looked past Pit and at the books. The perfect place for him wasn't the library? This was madness! This was  _Sparta!_ He began to shake like he was reading  _Fifty Shades of Grey_ again. The philosophy he had built his whole life around was now crumbling before his eyes-  _Dear Naga, stop the internal melodrama,_ he thought to himself. He looked at Pit, who had somehow changed into a dress shirt and slacks like he was in a commercial. His white tunic lay on the ground.

"It's called the computer room!" Pit said cheerily, and his voice sounded like that one guy who says "Allstate. You're in good hands." You know the guy. He's  _almost_ as good as Morgan Freeman.

Out of nowhere, a bright green, headphone-wearing crocodile appeared. "Oh, boy! Are we gonna get to find the computer room?" he yelled.

"Get out, Vector! You're not even an assist trophy!" someone whispered fiercely.

"Vector, Robin! Grab my wings!" Pit said, still with the deep voice. They did what he said. "COMPUTER ROOM!" he shouted, and they all ran out of the room together, leaving behind a rainbow trail and some plenty-relieved readers.

* * *

"So, uh, does stuff like this happen all the time?" Robin asked as they ran.

"Well, the shenanigans happen every day, but the memes are new," Pit said, and his voice was regular again. "Oh, look! The computer room!"

"Oh, goodie!" Vector shouted, and they all skipped in.

Inside the room, lots of the other fighters were sitting at the rows of lit-up boxes: Yoshi, Link, Ness, Captain Falcon... They took up nearly all the seats; in fact, all of the computers were being used except for one. How convenient.

While Vector looked around in awe, Shulk ambled into the room, whistling "You Will Know Our Names" with lots of wrong notes. He saw the empty computer and began walking toward it. Suddenly, everything went slow motion, and Shulk's light steps turned into low, heavy WHUMPS.

"Weee goottaa geeet thaaat cooompyoooteer befooooore Shuuulk doooes!" Pit cried. He started WHUMP-ing toward the computer, dragging Robin with him. They crashed into Shulk, making him crash into the ground with a thud and a long, drawn-out  _"Eeeeyaaaaugh!"_

With that crisis(?) averted, the flow of time went back to normal. Shulk rubbed his head. "I'm really gonna feel that tomorrow morning..." He got up and left, defeated.

"Phew! That was a close one," Pit said, rubbing his own head. He was back in his white tunic.

"Are you kidding me? You just ran him over!"

"Don't worry. Dr. Mario'll fix him up right away. Besides, it's Smash. We only allow cartoon violence."

"What?"

"Yeah, cartoon violence! You know, we beat each other up, we throw each other around, but nothing too bad happens. And if something does happen, Dr. Mario fixes it. But it's not so bad that anyone ever dies or anything."

"So people don't die when they're killed?"

"Well, you can't kill anyone in the first place. They just get KO'd."

Another truth Robin had built all his strategies around was crumbling before his eyes. "What a strange world you live in," he mumbled.

He remembered Phila's death at the hands of an archer, all because he had failed to take the enemy's actions fully into consideration. Cartoon violence, huh. If such a thing had existed in his world...

He imagined a world where warring countries settled their differences without any casualties, and where so many people wouldn't have to give up their lives to defend a world on the verge of destruction... where a tyrant didn't try to murder innocents so he could start a war...

Cartoon violence, huh.

"Robin, you okay?" Pit asked.

No, of course not. "Y-yeah, I'm fine."

Pit frowned, a rare expression for someone so upbeat. He reached toward Robin a little, but stopped himself. "Well, if you're ever not alright, we're here for you, okay? All of us."

"Yeah."

"Here, I think this'll make you feel better." Pit sat down at the open computer and pulled up an Internet Explorer window. "Lady Palutena told me that there're all sorts of stories on the Internet. Like a library, but all digital!" He put his hands on the keyboard, then took them off again. "I guess it would help if I knew how to read... Anyway, there're these sites where people put their stories up, and they're called..."

Robin wrote the site names down on a spare slip of paper.

"Now let's go eat dinner! Food makes everyone feel better!" Pit grabbed Robin by the arm and took off for the cafeteria. "Floor ice cream, here I come!"

* * *

After dinner (Master Hand had to come in and stop a food fight- no, a food war), Robin returned to the computer room, holding the slip of paper with the FanFiction site written on it. He typed it in and managed to click his way to the Super Smash Bros. section. He found one fic by the name of "Insert Little Mac/Link pun here (haha insert).," written by a user called TwentyPoundsOfPlotConvnience.

Ignoring the extreme red flags going off in his head (he had started doing that way too often), he decided to read it.

* * *

**Insert Little Mac/Link pun here (haha insert).**

one day in the didny worl of smesh canadalaska, little mac existed. he had a cush on link, the most hottttest (needs moar ts) sowrdman in the srowdman of swrodanms to the 10932th power. so of course thy had to be they were in some mcCaffe n lillle mac was aeating his rice balls bc he didn't want ppl to tihink he ate big macs ew no cannibalistic here. and even tho his rice balls wsa covered in the spicy he knew. the heat on of his face was rlly because of lonk that spicy dastard. lpnk that smexy twilight princess wolf you.

max had to do fess up he wouldn't get another chance in another 5year. or maYBE NEVER YEAR BC SAKURAI MIGHT NOT MAKE ANOTHER SMISH?! he asked the lank "lenk i think it lev you? "ever since i came here to smesh but someow. for some reason. i ended up liking you. it shouldn't even make sense. did we evre even talk to each other b4. no." he blushied sovery hard.

link looked at little mac all dumfuzzled. mac asked the real questions here manbruh. he couldn't lte him down now. he summoned the sparkles (and marth creyed bc that was his job as bishie) and bulshied some too "lilteelt mac, i loev yu too get. into my anus" said lunk an so little mec wa like "ye" and he shoveled his rice into links as n thens he climbed into the eynus and ate al the jelly dunuts up. no Link's large intestine was free of poo what do you mean this doesnt make nny sense.

nywaey lele mac ate all the dunots up in links intestins but. lonk had special intestines. lel mac looked at the intsetins and was much amaze becose he was seeing a sanic style special stag with rainbows in the bg! amazin waoh" eh sad. lil mac creyd from the epicness like if u cri evrytiem1

"sugoi rite" laink said. mac says "ye" and leanc shooted "AISHITEROOOOOOO~~~~" tildes included and they blasted off into space much romantically.

_buutlove 5ever the end._

**i would buttlove it if you much fave, very review, all that jelly donut poo.**

* * *

Robin felt just about ready to throw the computer across the room and lose all faith in humanity- then he remembered it was his own darned fault for clicking on that... thing.

Besides, Pit had gone out of his way to try and cheer him up by giving him the site link. It was nice to know he had a place here in Super Smash Bros. He read through the story again and cringed a lot. Wow, these spellin edrors were seriously terible. Why was he even reading through this again?!

...He closed the browsing window, then finally smiled a little.

The camera zoomed out to show the whole Smash Mansion, bathed in the warm light of the setting sun, and a deep voice from a certain angel in commercial mode echoed, "Allstate. You're in good hands."


	8. Wing-Whapping (April Fools')

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pit and Dark Pit get into a pre-April Fools' prank fight. Being the immature prepubescent angels they are, it just escalates from there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...yeah, as you can see, I haven't been updating my fics here. This was supposed to be the "April Fools" chapter...

It was a relatively laid-back morning. So far, no one had tried to do anything crazy or blow anything up. Smash Matches that morning were few and far between, and to top it all off, the weather was great. Pit spent the morning chilling with Palutena in the hallway, next to a large window that allowed a clear view of the beautiful outdoors.

"Lady Palutena, wanna hear about this awesome match I had a few days ago?" Pit asked.

"Why not?"

"Here goes! I was fighting against Link, like, about a week ago, and he decided to shoot a bunch of arrows at me. Well, I put up my Guardian Orbitars- wow, am I glad those exist- and reflected them all back at him! And then I guess he decided that wasn't gonna work, so then he threw his tornado boomerang thing at me..."

Palutena nodded, examining her fingernails. She looked out the window. It was sunny outside, and the trees' leaves were starting to grow back after the long winter. Nice weather, she decided. She wasn't paying attention to Pit, and so she didn't notice a certain dark angel sneaking up behind him as he rambled on.

"...and then he finally charged at me, so I shot a few arrows at him while he was open, but then he got really close to me and smacked me with his sword! I almost got KO'd by that..."

Dark Pit spread his wings out wide, right behind Pit's head, and smirked.

"...and then I charged at him with the Upperdash Arm and-"  _WHAP!_ Dark Pit flapped his wings, hitting Pit in the back of the head and making him fall face-first on the floor.

Palutena's motherly instincts kicked in. She got down on her knees and held Pit's head in her hands. "Pit! Are you okay?"

"Ow ow ow! I-I'm fine, Lady Palutena. But what was that?!" Pit turned over and saw Dark Pit running down the hallway, laughing like a maniac. "I'll get you back for that!"

But Dark Pit was already too far away. He'd get his chance another day (Chrom could be heard making frustrated noises in the background).

And so the wing-whapping showdown began.

* * *

"Dangit, Pittoo! I don't get why he doesn't wanna sit with us!" Pit said loudly. He glanced over at the dark angel sitting at an empty table to see if he had heard. Dark Pit kept poking at his black 2D sausage without looking up. "Seriously, it's like he hates me or something..."

Suddenly, a lightbulb went off above Pit's head. Now would be a great time to get back at Pittoo. He glanced over one more time.

He really was just poking at his food.

So he walked up to Dark Pit's table and watched him stare at the sausage. He spread out his wings. Dark Pit, noticing the shadow Pit's wings cast, turned around.

"Go away, Pit-" He saw Pit's mischievous grin. "-oh."

 _WHAP!_ Pit's closed his wings around Dark Pit's head and opened them again, leaving him with a mouth full of fluffy feathers.

"That's for yesterday!" Pit shouted. He dashed back to the safety of his table before Dark Pit could spit the feathers out.

"What was that all about?" asked Link, who also was poking at the sausages.

Palutena didn't look up from her plate of black, 2D fruit. "They're just showing their brotherly love for each other, that's all."

Pit took one look at the sausages and then shoved them into his mouth. "He hif me thif mornin'!" he finally said.

"I'll get you for that!" Dark Pit shouted from his table.

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah, really!" He stomped over to Pit and looked at his food. He settled on wing-whapping Pit's ice cream bowl. It fell to the ground in slow motion, and the creamy, chocolatey goodness inside splattered onto the floor.

The flow of time resumed as normal. Pit looked at the floor ice cream, then back at Pittoo who snickered like he had done something unspeakable, then back at the ice cream.

"...Eh." He shrugged. "Floor ice cream gives you health!" He got on the floor and started to lick it up.

Dark Pit's face turned from one of triumph to one of disgust. "Ew, that's gross."

"Come on, you know you wanna eat it, too."

"No!"

Pit held up the bowl and did the eyebrow-wiggly thing. "You know you wanna. It's chocolate-flavored..."

"Not after  _you_ ate out of it!"

Eyebrow-wiggly thing intensifies. "Oh, so you  _do_ like floor ice cream!"

"No! Gross!" Dark Pit wing-whapped Pit and ran off.

Pit's table watched Pittoo leave the cafeteria. Then Pit held up his bowl. "Anyone want some floor ice cream?"

Everyone backed off a little and they all shook their heads.

* * *

It was only around 10:00, but Pit was just about ready to hit the hay, hard. Two stock matches back-to-back was way more than enough for one day, he thought. He stumbled down the hallway and into his bedroom. The lights were already off, and the curtains were closed. He could just barely make out the dark outline of the beds.

The beds were looking really inviting now. Deciding maybe he didn't need to take a shower tonight, Pit got his body over to the nearest bed and fell on it. He felt himself land on a bunch of feathers, but he didn't think too much of it.

"Ow!"

"...Huh? What?" Pit rolled over the bed of feathers. Mm, soft... he was already falling asleep...

"You're on my back, stupid! Get your sweaty butt off me!" Dark Pit screeched. He flapped his wings like a chicken to try and get Pit off.

He only succeeded in hitting Pit in the face multiple times and making him mad.

Pit jumped back on his feet, clenched his fists, and spread his wings to look intimidating. "Alright, that's enough! Let's settle this right now!"

"Let's do it. My body is ready!" responded Dark Pit.

Pit tackled Dark Pit onto the bed and they got into a feathery mess of much angry grunting, wing-whapping, and bed-shaking.

Meanwhile, Falco was going to the cafeteria to get some late-night breadsticks when he heard a commotion coming from one of the rooms. He walked over to check it out.

There were some rather suspicious noises coming from Pit and Dark Pit's room. Falco leaned in toward the door and heard a lot of flapping and creaking.

"Oh, they're probably not doing anything naughty," said a woman out of nowhere. Falco whipped around to see Palutena standing in the shadows. She stepped out of the shadows, and the soft light coming in from the window revealed that she was holding a recording device. "But the noises they're making are gonna make for great blackmail material tomorrow."

"Oh my god. You're seriously gonna do that?"

"I know. Palutena be trollin'." She giggled. "I think maybe I'll get some free food out of them. It's adorable when they're embarrassed."

"Well, just don't prank me."

"Give me a breadstick, then."

Falco would've replied with "Hands off my bread," but tomorrow was going to be April Fool's Day, and the chances of getting pranked sometime in the near future were very real. Falco went to the late-night-snack fridge and returned with two breadsticks. He reluctantly handed one to Palutena and she was satisfied. She turned off the recorder and they went their separate ways.

Just as Palutena and Falco got back to their rooms, the commotion stopped.

"Ah... I give up. You win."

"Mmh."

"No no no, don't cuddle me!"

"But we have to make up after a fight, don't we?"

"We can make up by  _leaving me alone."_

"But you're enjoying it, aren't you? You'd definitely have thrown me off if you really hated it."

"...Tch."

"Ehehe, so you  _do_  like it."

"No, I don't! I'm just... too tired to get you off me, that's all."

"Whatever you say."

"But that doesn't mean you get to keep cuddling- hey, d-don't touch me there... stop that, it feels good..."

* * *

The next day, Dark Pit decided to sit with Pit and Palutena at lunchtime, just the three of them. He went out of his way to make no eye contact with either of them.

Palutena put a fork into her fruit and smiled innocently.

"So, a little birdie told me that yesterday you two were... oh, how do I put it?" She rested her head on her free hand. "That you two were doing R-rated things in your bedroom."

Pit did a glorious spit-take. Dark Pit nearly choked on his ham, and started coughing up a storm.

"IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!" they shouted at the same time. Some of the other fighters heard and turned around to see what was going on.

"You naughty, naughty boys, this story was supposed to be only slightly un-kid-friendly. So, who's on top?"

Dark Pit said quickly, "No one. We're not doing anything." He stole a quick glance at Pit, but refused to look him in the eye.

"Oh, really?" Palutena held up her recorder. Muffled flapping and creaking noises played back. "How do you explain this, then?"

The two angels' faces went cherry red.

"It's nothing! We were just settling a thing!" Pit said, waving his arms around.

"That late at night?"

"Well, he started it!" He pointed at Dark Pit.

"Hey, you're the one who jumped on me!"

"You shouldn't have hit me in the first place!"

" _You_  shouldn't have been cuddling me last night! I'm gonna get you for that!"

More fighters heard the Kid Icarus characters making a ruckus and turned around to look. Some people snickered at Dark Pit's mention of "cuddling."

"Oh, my. Are you going to do it right here?" Palutena delicately pressed her fingertips to her lips. "There are kids here, y'know."

"NO!" the two yelled.

"Here, I'll make a deal with you. Give me your ice cream and I won't tell anyone, okay?"

The tomato-faced angels practically shoved their ice cream in Palutena's face. She took their bowls, ate a spoonful out of each, and grinned.

"I got you two gooood."

"Lady Palutenaaa!" Pit whined. Dark Pit made made some noises that sounded like something between frustration and embarrassment, and covered his face.

"Happy April Fools' Day."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, how I hate writing two people of the same gender in the same sentence or in the same scene. It's like being condemned to pronoun/antecedent hell. If you don't constantly clarify who's who, you end up wondering which "she" jumped into the mall fountain. Was it Zelda, or was it Peach? Did Inigo say "I want to be manhandled!" or was it Gerome?! Did Link smite himself with fire, or did he smite Toon Link?! Agh!
> 
> I feel like I'm pushing the G rating with those last two scenes, but I couldn't resist a chance to throw Falco in there somehow and make the "little birdie" pun. I am a naughty, naughty person. = v =


	9. Garlic, Hairdye, and Truth and Dare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another collection of short shenanigans.

One day, Wario decided to take a risk and play through Crazy Orders, using 5000 of his gold coins. He won after 10 turns and got a crapton of gold.

He went to the nearest convenience store and bought- you guessed it- garlic. Enough garlic to fill 10 large trash bags, in fact... and his gas tank as well.

Let's just say that no one wanted to face Wario in matches for a while.

* * *

That same day, Reflet also decided that maybe if she changed her appearance a little, then people would stop thinking that she and Robin were related. She really didn't want to be seen as "she-Robin," especially when Robin was-  _no offense, Robin,_  she thought- not all that great a tactician.

She decided to go to the hair-stylers or whatever you call them and get her hair dyed a bright red. She looked at herself in a mirror and was happy with the result. She paid with a smile on her face and left.

There was an extra bounce in her step as she walked back to the mansion. Finally, no more female Robin! From now on, she would only be known as Reflet!

But Falco was intent on having her be "female Robin who preferred the air," so that his unofficial prefer-the-air club would stay as it was.

"Red Ref..." he began. "Oh."

"Your obligatory jokes don't work on me." Robin threw a broken Elwind tome over her shoulder and flipped her gorgeous scarlet locks. "I never preferred the air anyway! Gyahahaha!"

The opening to "Let It Go" played in the background as she ran off, singing "DON'T STOP ME NOOOOW!"

* * *

On, yes, that same day (that day was a very eventful day), some of the younger Smashers played a tried-and-true classic game, the great Truth or Dare. But they weren't asking the cliched truths or dares like "Who do you like?" or "Kiss the person you like!" No, their questions were much riskier- and if there was ever a time when one of them wanted to back out of a truth or dare, they had to give up their money to the asker.

Toon Link, Diddy Kong, Kirby, Villager, Ness and Bowser Jr. sat around a table in the basement. The only source of light was a flickering lamp hung from the ceiling, swinging back and forth as if it would snap and fall soon. The dim light shone on Bowser Jr. as he tapped his stubby fingers together, deciding on his next victim.

"Ness," he said slowly.

"Huh?"

"I want you to go see if Greninja's scarf is really his tongue."

"No way! He'll, like ninja me or something!"

"Gimme 1000 gold coins, then."

Ness didn't even have half that many gold coins. He had no choice but to say "Okay." Poor Ness, being in the meme life is like eating Oreos: once you go double stuf, there's no going back. He went up the stairs and up to go find Greninja, and the other Smashers followed behind him.

The frog ninja was standing outside the mansion, staring into the sunset and trying to be mysterious. It wasn't very effective... Greninja had to cover his eyes from the sun.

Ness snuck up behind Greninja and watched him being very un-ninja-y. He reached up to Greninja's scarf thing and- he hesitated for a bit. What if he suddenly got ninja'd?- and then he yanked it down.

Greninja fell and hit his head on the ground and passed out with his mouth open. Ness bent down and poked at the scarf again. It felt fleshy and it left his hand covered in sticky stuff. He unwrapped the scarf from around Greninja's neck, and lo and behold, it really was his tongue.

"So that's really his tongue. Oookay." Ness strode over to the other Smashers, who were hiding behind a nearby tree, and pointed back at Greninja's long tongue. They looked surprised to see that Greninja had somehow been out-ninja'd.

Then Ness stuck his spitty hand on Bowser Jr.'s face.

The next time they played Truth or Dare, Bowser Jr. dared (more like forced) Ness to say nothing but "Okay" for a week. Then Greninja hardcore ninja'd Ness in a Smash match. Poor Ness, all he could say that day was "Okay." The struggle of the meme life is real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, but really, the scarf is Greninja's tongue. If you knock him to the ground in a match, when he's lying there his mouth is open and you can see his tongue coming out of his mouth and it's connected to the scarf. I guess you probably knew that already, but it's just kinda creepy seeing it firsthand.
> 
> Sorry, Ness. I wasn't very nice to you this chapter.


	10. Mewtwo Arrives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On April 15, 2015, Mewtwo arrives, and he's here to take lives.

On April 15, 2015, Mewtwo arrives, and he's here to take lives.

...Unfortunately, since the Super Smash Bros. universe only allowed cartoon violence, that was not a thing he could do. So he just settled for being edgy and crap.

But that ended up causing problems, too.

" _I_  AM THE TRUE KING OF EDGE! THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!" Shadow screamed at Mewtwo.

"You're just saying that to feel better about yourself," Mewtwo casually replied.

"Oh, really! Do you not realize that it's been fifty years and I still have to deal with angst?!"

"Completely disregarding  _my_  twisted backstory, sure."

"Maria died on the Space Colony ARK on that day... And it was all because of me..." Shadow clenched his fists. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to have an angsty breakdown."

"It's hard to have an angsty breakdown when there's nothing for you to angst over."

"That's rather ironic coming from you."

"Y-you're not even a dark color!"

"That's because I don't need to be dark to be a dark character." Mewtwo crossed his arms and smirked. "Take that!"

Dark Pit walked in on the two yelling and immediately took offense. He was obviously the most edgy one out of them all!

"Puh- _lease,"_  he sassed. "I don't care how dark you are. You can't compete with the one and only Emo McEdgelord! I was made for the sole purpose of being edgy. Dark is in my  _name_ _!_ "

"Yeah, well, my name is  _Shadow._ It's actually creative."

"Uh-huh."

"And I was created long before you were, and you know what they called me? Ow, the Edge- short for ShadOW THE EDGEhog!"

Dark Pit shrugged. "Whatever. I have creator bias on my side."

"I had a motorcycle."

"I could  _fly!"_

"But you can't now. Tell me, how does it feel?!"

"I think you two are forgetting that I am a completely original fighter." Mewtwo said, interrupting their back-and-forth. He glared at Shadow. "I'm  _actually_ a fighter. You automatically lose."

"Ha-hah. Take that, Shad-durrr!"

"And you, chicken, are a moveset clone of Pit."

"It's part of what makes me so edgy!"

"Does it really make you edgy? Or is it just your creator being lazy? You'd think that if he really was biased toward you, he'd give you a new moveset." Mewtwo shrugged, making Dark Pit even more angry.

"Hey! I-"

"...BEEP BORP!"

Mewtwo, Shadow and Dark Pit all stopped what they were doing. Those NES-style noises could be coming from none other than...

"Beep boop blarp!" It was the embodiment of edge himself: truly the edgiest man alive, Mr. Game & Watch! Shadow and Mewtwo gasped.

Mr. Game & Watch was feared and respected by all the most gothic of edgy angsters for a reason: Mr. Game & Watch was a void. Staring into his eyes- if one even managed to find them on his completely black face- caused one to instantly become burdened with infinite emotional turmoil. His angst trumped all angst in the universe, as he had the ability to experience the pain of every living being at once.

Shadow fell to his knees before the one and only true king of edge. "Please, Mr. Game and Watch, forgive me!" he cried. "My words were not chosen carefully enough."

"Boop bop beep."

"Yes, sir. I will try not to make another transgression."

Mr. Game & Watch turned to Mewtwo, who cowered in his presence. Making matters even worse for the Pokemon, Mewtwo could read the edgy 2-D man's mind with his psychic powers, and he could actually understand his thoughts.

He wished he didn't have to speak with the 2-D man this way.

"Congratulations on your re-inclusion in Smash Bros.," Mr. Game & Watch beeped.

"Ah, t-thank you."

Mr. Game & Watch turned to Dark Pit. "And you are the new dark addition to the roster?"

"Huh, me? Yeah."

"Then let me tell you this now. I want you to learn these words so well that they become a part of your soul, a part of your way of life." He leaned in toward Dark Pit, making the angel shake in fear. "Listen to me:  _Mr. Game & Watch is the one true goth. No one alive will ever surpass his edgy greatness. Mr. Game & Watch is hate. Mr. Game & Watch is death."_

"Y-yes, sir."

"Remember that," booped Mr. Game & Watch. He then turned around (but it was hard to tell because he was flat). "Well, I'll be taking my leave now. Mewtwo, Dark Pit, I hope you two enjoy your time here at the mansion."

As Mr. Game & Watch beeped and booped, Mewtwo stared after him.

"Augh, he infuriates me. Watch yourself, Mr. Game & Watch... One day I  _will_ take your title as edgiest man alive..."

"Not before I take it first," mumbled Shadow.

"I'm going to get it before either of you two," said Dark Pit.

Then they all got into yet another argument over who's the edgiest one of them all. It's an edgy thing. You wouldn't understand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totally forgot what direction I even wanted to take their argument in, so I resorted to 100% real angus beef quality insults. Go me!
> 
> Also, we're talking edge here. A reference to the Hot Topic Krew was going to be absolutely necessary at some point in time. Mr. Game & Watch, the edgiest man alive!


	11. Good Times Montage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After an incident sucks the edge out of Dark Pit's personality, Palutena decides to have some fun with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll admit that, from the very beginning, this fanfiction was very likely to focus on Kid Icarus and Fire Emblem characters anyway.
> 
> It's very easy to see which games I've actually played.

Reflet was in a 1-stock match against Dark Pit, and things weren't going her way.

Apparently, she was being way too predictable. The glorified dark chicken was smart enough to reflect her magic back at her face, thanks to the Guardian Orbitars. He guarded perfectly against her Levin Sword strikes and then countered with his Electroshock Arm. And to add insult to magic to the face, he wouldn't stop  _taunting._

"Come on!" he shouted.

"So problematic..." Reflet mumbled. She decided to change up her strategy a bit.

She started to charge Thoron, and as expected, the angel put up his Guardian Orbitars. Perfect.

She broke out of charging and dashed toward him before he could put his shields down. "Nosferatu!" she shouted.

Reflet sucked the energy out of Dark Pit and used it to heal herself. Noticing that he was left open after the attack, she spammed Nosferatu on him like it was gonna get nerfed. Finally, after 3 more uses, the tome broke and he collapsed on the ground.

Dark Pit got up, then raised his head, looked Reflet in the eye, and grinned.

Her tome fell to the ground. What scared her the most about him was that it seemed genuine. As in "not edgy, just pure, undiluted happiness" genuine.

"Agh! He's too  _happy!"_ She swung the Levin Sword at him and he was launched away, smiling.

"GAME!" the announcer said. "And the winner is... Reflet!" She looked at Dark Pit clapping off to the side.

He was still smiling.

* * *

"...Well, Reflet, I think you just sucked the edge right out of Pittoo," Palutena said after the match. "I'm not sure how I feel about that."

"Me neither."

Dark Pit skipped past them, singing "Walking On Sunshine." The eyes of all Smashers who witnessed it went wide, and some of them even dropped what they were carrying- and it wasn't because of his surprisingly decent singing voice.

"Correction- I know how I feel about it," Palutena announced. "He's like a happy Pit, except it's  _creepy._  You have to do something about it, Reflet."

"W-what?! Why me?"

Dark Pit bumped into Lucas, who had just walked into the mansion, and swept him into a hug. The kid started freaking out.

"You have to do something about it. You can fix him, right?"

"B-but I'm not even sure what I did..."

"Oh, you're smart. I'm sure you can do it."

"I'm just not sure if..."

"Just un-Nosferatu him or something. Here." Palutena warped over to Dark Pit, pulled him off the blonde boy, and brought him back to Reflet. "He's all yours."

Dark Pit's eyes sparkled like he was a little moe girl. "She's not gonna do something b-bad to me, is she, Lady Palutena?"

Palutena froze.

"D-d-did you just- did you just call me... Lady Palutena?!"

"Is there something wrong with that, Lady Palutena?"

"Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, ohmygosh! He called me Lady Palutena!" She squealed and pulled Pittoo back towards herself. "Never mind, I'm keeping him!" She skipped away with moe-Pittoo in tow, off to start a good times montage.

Reflet and Lucas looked at each other, then back at Palutena, who flung the mansion doors open and strutted out, swinging her hips like she was Elsa from  _Frozen_. "He said Lady Palutena!" she squealed again.

"Palutena-" Reflet began, but the door slammed shut.

Reflet and Lucas just kind of stared at the door for a while, trying to process what just happened.

"Who was  _that_?" Lucas finally said. Little did he know that in many alternate universes, he was supposed to be the edgy dark angel's deliciously sexy boyfriend, destined to fight to take back the old Hot Topic and destroy the evil Yoshi.

...But this isn't that kind of universe. Lucas went on his merry little way to find out where his room was, and Reflet walked off and tried to pretend that nothing strange had ever happened.

This wasn't the kind of universe where you could pretend that strange things never happened, either, and so Reflet immediately found herself in the middle of a twerk-off between Shulk, Captain Falcon, and many other unfortunate victims. But that's a story for later.

* * *

Meanwhile, Palutena had a happy angel on each arm, and they all skipped down the Smashville streets.

"Happy Together" by The Turtles began to play as Pit, Palutena, and Pittoo happily ate ice cream together. Pittoo dropped some ice cream on the ground, and he looked surprised for a bit. Then he got down on his knees and ate it up. They all laughed.

Then they went to the nearby mall and went on a shopping spree. They bought a crapton of stuff like cheap plastic junk, punny T-shirts and skinny jeans. Palutena made sure to keep Pittoo away from the Hot Topic store, just in case it corrupted his newfound moe-ness.

They walked into a photo booth and spent way more money than they should have on silly pictures.

They went to the movie theater and watched a horror movie. Pit was about to pass the popcorn to Palutena when out of nowhere, the face of a monster appeared on screen. Pit dropped the popcorn and he and Pittoo held on to Palutena for dear life.

They all walked out of the theater sufficiently horrified. Pit and Pittoo were on the verge of tears, but Palutena cheered them up by giving them a big hug. They skipped off arm-in-arm, happy again. The refrain started to play in the background, and they sang along.

 _"I CAN'T SEE ME LOVIN' NOBODY BUT YOU, FOR ALL MY LIIIIFE!"_ they sang.

They went to the park and they waved at random people. They giggled a lot. They rolled down grassy hills. They ran through a field of flowers in slow-mo. Needless to say, the gardeners were not too happy about the flower damage. Master Hand would not be too happy about his Smashers causing trouble in the city, either.

_"WHEN YOU'RE WITH ME BABY, THE SKIES'LL BE BLUE, FOR ALL MY LIIIIFE!"_

Well, the skies weren't actually blue anymore; the sunset had colored the skies orange and painted the clouds light pink. Palutena sat with the two angels and they all watched the clouds and pointed out their shapes.

Pit pointed at one of them. "That one looks like an evil dinosaur."

Palutena pointed at another. "That one looks like a big ol' Pikachu."

Pittoo pointed at yet another. "That one looks like Lady Palutena!"

They all shared a laugh. Honestly, good times montages were the best, Palutena thought. So much fluffy goodness compressed into a tiny package. She glanced at the two angels. Dark Pit was still smiling as he pointed out that a different cloud looked like Wario farting.

Dark Pit was  _smiling._  He really was smiling.

It was almost surreal, and it seemed like if she looked away from him, he'd suddenly go back to being all doom and gloom again.

As she watched the two angels roll down the grassy hills again, Palutena wished that this happy montage would never end. But the music had to fade out sometime.

The three of them walked back to the mansion hand in hand, exchanging stories about their Smash matches.

Palutena tucked the two angels into the same bed. "G'night, Lady Palutena," they both said.

"Goodnight."

As she shut the door, she whispered, "I love you both."

_So happy together..._

* * *

Dark Pit woke up to the sensation of being cuddled by Pit, yet again.

He frowned.

"I thought I made it clear the last time that  _cuddling is not okay."_

"Huh? Why're you being mean again?"

...Being mean "again?" Was he being "nice" or something yesterday?

Wait a second, what happened yesterday?! Crap crap crap. The implications flooded his brain. Did someone drug him? Did he get drunk and try to do questionable things late at night again? That sounded really wrong. And why would he even be drinking? Wait, had he been doing everything sober?!

He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down. It didn't work. With a shaky voice, he managed a simple "What're you saying?"

"We went out yesterday!" Pit replied. He realized how weird that sounded and corrected himself. "With Palutena! I mean, it was kinda weird, but you were all happy. And then we all went and ate ice cream and stuff, remember?"

He thought about it for a bit. He  _did_  have a vague memory of eating ice cream off the floor. Grossss. And then he remembered going to the mall, and going to the movies, and frolicking in a flower field, and going cloud-watching... all of which were things he definitely would  _not_ do if he wasn't under some sort of influence.

 _Just what happened yesterday?_  Dark Pit thought to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was not the direction I expected it to go, but I couldn't stop listening to "Happy Together" and then it just kinda... took over. It's so happy, and also fluffy montages for the win, and then you add those together... Whoopsies.
> 
> One day I will maybe possibly write for characters from other game franchises. (Looks to the sky and clenches a single fist. Cries a single sparkly tear.) One day...


	12. Triple-Dedede-Dare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The kid Smashers are playing Truth or Dare again. This time, it's Toon Link picking a victim.

Toon Link, Diddy Kong, Kirby, Villager, Ness and Bowser Jr. all sat around a table in the basement. The only source of light was a flickering lamp hung from the ceiling, swinging back and forth as if it would snap and fall soon. The dim light shone on Toon Link as he tapped his tiny fingers together, deciding who he would call on.

He glanced evilly at each unfortunate soul. Kirby stared at Toon Link. Diddy stared straight through him. Ness pretended to be concerned with the light. Bowser Jr. made it seem like he was interested in playing Power Rangers. Villager looked down at the table.

Welp, looks like he had found his next victim.

"Hey, Villager."

"Yes?"

"Truth or dare?"

Villager's eyes widened. He weighed his options. It was either "Who do you like?" or "Kiss the person you like!" And honestly, he would rather go kiss the person he liked, but then again, Toon Link might just come up with a really evil dare...

On the other hand, if he said "truth," then Toon Link might ask him to tell a truth that would shame his ancestors or something...

But on the other  _other_ hand, he miiight get a chance to go kiss the person he liked...

"Come on already!" Toon Link whined. "You only have two choices. Use eenie-meenie-miney-mo or something."

"...I pick dare."

"Ohoho! Well, I've got a good one in store for you!"

The Villager instantly regretted his choice.

"I triple-Dedede-dare you to... act cute and not creepy at all for the rest of the day!"

There it was- that was the evil dare. He couldn't do it. "I can't do that."

"Then pay up." Toon Link held out a hand. "1000 gold coins."

"No one in this room even has that kind of money!"

"That's probably why we ask for 1000 gold coins."

"Agh."

"Come on, it's not even that long. Just one day."

Villager shook his head. "I can't do it."

"But you can't pay me, either."

"Uh-uh."

"Do it."

"Nope."

"It's a triple-Dedede-Dare, you can't turn me down."

"I just did."

"Dude. Triple-Dedede-dare."

"Nope nope-itty nope."

"Just-" and then Toon Link yanked his hat off and slammed it on the table. "Oh my god, Villager. Is there something wrong with acting like a decent person for a day?!"

Villager crossed his arms as best he could. It was actually kinda hard to do, considering how short his arms were, and it didn't make him look intimidating at all, but at least he tried.

"Yes, yes there is. I take pride in my special eyes."

Toon Link narrowed his eyes. "Your eyes are not  _special._ Your eyes are frickin'  _soulless."_

Villager stared blankly at Toon Link, who had his own arms crossed now.

"I've got the Triforce of Courage," he said. "You don't scare me."

Villager kept staring.

"It's not gonna work."

Villager stared some more.

"I'm serious."

He waited to see if Villager would stop staring, but the staring just intensified. He facepalmed, covering his eye with his hand, and sighed.

"Dude, if you really don't want to do it, just leave." And the evil smirk came back to Toon Link's face. "But you know what happens to bad and naughty children who back out of Triple-Dedede-Dares..."

Villager looked down at the ground.

"...I'll do it."

Toon Link grinned. "Aw yis."

* * *

"Hum dee dum dee dum... Kira kira desu~! Boku wa Murabito desu~!"

Villager skipped through the cafeteria and waved at everyone with sparkling eyes. Literally no one else in the mansion returned the enthusiasm.

Ness trembled in fear and hid in the nearest storeroom at the sound of that voice. Diddy Kong screeched and ran away. Kirby prayed to the god of the fridge food and late-night snacks.

"OMG HIS EYES SPARKLE THEY SHOULD NOT BE SPARKLING" screamed Bowser Jr. He covered his eyes.

Unfortunately, Bowser Jr.'s father did not have the same common sense, and when he and Villager made eye contact, he learned the _true_ terror of Villager's eyes. He was blinded by the moe for the rest of the week.

Toon Link was starting to regret making Villager do this. To be honest, his acting "kawaii" was downright terrifying.

He tried to escape the cafeteria, but a short brown-haired kid wearing a red T-shirt stood in his way. His heart sunk into his chest.

The kid's eyes sparkled.

"Toony-kun~!"

"OH GOD OH GOD OHHH GODDD"

"Toony-kun, let's play Truth or Dare again today~!"

"NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE"

"Awwh, why not~?"

Villager looked at Toon Link with sparkling puppy eyes, and in that moment, Toon Link realized that not even having the Triforce of Courage would keep him from being scared of the cutesy abomination known as Villager.

And worst of all, this was  _his_  doing.

Also, staring into Villager's eyes made him go blind from the moe.

"C'mon, Toony-kun, let's go play~!" cooed the Villager. He dragged Toon Link to who-knows-where, off to "play" (read: definitely not to play.  _Hopefully_  it's something kid-friendly).

Toon Link was  _really_ starting to regret making Villager do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really don't like typing cutesy. "Kira kira desu~! Toony-kun~!" ugghghhhgh I can't do it. And the tildes~~~ are the worst part.


	13. Special Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucina needs her vision corrected.

It all started when Lucina thought it would be a good idea to go outside and look at the sun... for thirty seconds... without sunglasses. Yeah, great idea, Lucina.

Anyway, she sat there for a bit and she was just fine, for about thirty seconds.

Then she tried to walk back into the mansion and walked into the wall instead. Then (after she got into the mansion successfully) she walked her way straight into a cafeteria table. Then she hit her head on a pole. Apparently "she hadn't noticed them there before."

Reflet happened to notice that Lucina had suddenly become a victim of both idiocy and slapstick humor. So naturally, she decided that the greatest and most obvious course of action would be to take Lucina to the eye doctors.

(This was not the greatest course of action, actually. The optometrists' office was in a rundown, abandoned storeroom run by the questionable Dr. Mario and the announcer in a lab coat. It turns out, Reflet was infected by Lucina's idiocy as well.  _No one is safe.)_

* * *

When the office door creaked open, a cloud of dust lifted off the ground. The announcer rushed to put on his lab coat, switch on a hanging lightbulb, and lean back in his chair before the cloud settled.

"Yes, hello. Welcome to the OPTOMETRISTS' OFFICE!" he announced.

A pair of young ladies hesitantly stepped in.

"Ah yes, Reflet and Lucina. How are you doing today?" The announcer motioned to the two kiddy chairs in front of his desk. "If you two would take a seat?"

Reflet and Lucina sat in the chairs and another cloud of dust flew up, making them cough a bit.

"Thank you," said the announcer, squinting through the dust. "So, what brings you to the office today?"

"Lucina's been having problems with her eyesight," said Reflet. Well, you wouldn't be there if she wasn't. Thanks, Captain Obvious. "She's been walking into things..."

"Oh!" The announcer stood up and turned around. "I know just what you need!"

He walked off into a dark corner of the storeroom, where Reflet could just barely make out his silhouette.

"Are you sure about this, Mother?" asked Lucina.

"I'm not your-" Reflet stopped herself. "I- I mean, yeah! Completely and totally sure."

Lucina misinterpreted the "I'm not your" as "I'm not sure," and asked no further questions. The announcer came back, holding a pair of green glasses.

"What you need is... a pair of glasses!" he announced. He tried to give them to Lucina, but she gave them back to him.

"Please, no glasses," she said.

"Uh, fine. That's fine."

He turned around and disappeared into the dark corner again, looking for something else.

"What you need are... some CONTACTS!" he announced. There were shuffling noises and the occasional thud as he threw stuff around. "Now it would be great if I could actually find some..." _THUD._ "Geez, Doc, how do you even organize these things?"

There was a grunt from under the announcer's desk- "Eek!" squealed Reflet- and then out from under the desk crawled Dr. Mario.

"You can't do anything yourself, can you? Announcers these days..." he grumbled. He stomped over to the announcer in the corner, flicked his forehead, and then got to throwing more stuff around.  _THUD,_   _THUD, CRASH!_

"Oh- there it is!" Dr. Mario said, and the thudding noises stopped. He returned to Reflet and Lucina with a tiny white box in hand. "Here are your contacts."

He tried to hand Lucina the contacts, but she gave them back, saying, "But you can't have my brand! I have  _special eyes."_

Reflet took the box herself and opened it. She looked at the contacts, then back at Lucina. "But they  _do_ have your brand!" she said, wide-eyed.

"Look!" whispered the announcer. "Look with your special eyes!"

Lucina took the box from Reflet and examined the contacts herself. They were blue, the exact same shade as Lucina's eyes, and the Brand of the Exalt (TM) was clearly imprinted on one contact.

 _"My brand!"_ she exclaimed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to make that joke.


End file.
